beast of burde

im trying to fall asleep but im getting sidetracked by my wandering mind as its racing from thought to thought... then i think... i should document these thoughts... just because i never do.

im being burdened by the fact that for my 21st birthday i have decided that as part of my celebrating... I want to spend it alone at my family's waterfront home on Padre Island.
 NO, that is not the burden....
i mean, aside from my family's company on my birthday (which is always my number 1 wish) the next best thing is to have a weekend alone
(by alone i do mean with a slew of my most favored friends alongside, in a home on the water with a sprawling multi-level deck that extends over the warm waters ledge... close range beach access, and a plethora of island bars.
 the beast of burden is that... aside from the couple people  i hold in my hierarchy of dearest and most precious friends, and i do only mean a couple.... I can't think of another soul that makes me think... "i absolutely have to have this person in my company".

which is in a way both pathetic and terrifying...... in the same way that my overuse of "dot dot dot" is terrifying and pathetic. or maybe just obnoxious and incorrectly used?  but it how i talk in my head... almost too thoughtful... like a james franco interview. He always looks as though he is maybe pained from thinking to hard for his most heart felt, deep, and honest answers.
i love him for it.

so, who do i want to bring besides my obvious one handed finger count.
i used to have too many options.
now iv found myself with much smaller head count.

really there is 100+ people i cant wait to spend a big weekend beach party with.
but seeing as though most those people i will never meet, don't know I exist and probably never will, this does not help
(no, it isn't bizarre that 90% of my reality takes place in my imagination, with buddies like: hotmess courtney love, gwen stefani, dean martin, james dean and elvis, betty boop, Gandhi, jimi, Patti, James Franco, Brandon Boyd, the amazing beautiful Spaniard  i met a the mall this afternoon, Chelsea handler...the list really does go on)
i wish i could record my thoughts. its so much clearer in my head when i think things. Whenever i attempt to regurgitate it onto paper or typed up it just becomes a sloppy mess that doesn't make sense and is just beyond the word silly.... like way beyond. try embarrassing.
no just weird.














who isn't ashamed to be bizarre? That's me, hello.